Janice Annette Castleberry

 

The cousins came to Sylacauga on January 28th to place the ashes of Jan in the Marble City Cemetery beside her parents. The long delay came as a result of health issues with her sister which prevented travel from California and my own heart issues. We had a pretty day and the help of a grave digger that once worked with our Uncle Jerry. A somber and emotional time that reminds all of us of the temporal nature of our experience.

Lifted

I was lifted from my death bed and returned to the living. Now I find some portions of my self didn't come with me. I had been waiting for some kind of epiphany or profound transformation but it hasn't materialized. Instead I am somewhat aware of gaps where some part of me once lived. It isn't an easy process to identify. Much like a thought that is lost to memory. In some ways I am vaguely aware of something  missing. In other ways, I am changed. Gaps being present or memories altered or simply absent. My impulse of late is not to look for these missing nodes, but to merely leave them behind on the grave that I was lifted from.

“silence is the language of god, all else is poor translation.” Jalal ad-Din Muhammad ar-Rumi

Born:

in Balkh, Khwarazmian Empire, Afghanistan

August 12, 1207

Strawberry Pie

Shoney's Strawberry Pie

Prebake a 9" Pie shell at 450 degrees for 10 minutes. Set aside to cool

For the glaze

In a sauce pot add:

1 cup of sugar

1 cup of water

3 TBSP cornstarch

Bring to a boil and reduce heat

Add 1 package of Strawberry jello and wisk until it thickens and coats the back of a spoon.

Quarter 2 lbs of strawberries and mound into pie shell. Pour glaze over berries. Try to get glaze on each berry on the top. Place in refrigerator for 4 hours to set up the gelatin. Once the Pie is set, serve with a dollop of cool whip.

Tea Cake Cookies

Tea Cake Cookies

1 cup butter softened

2 cups sugar

3 eggs

2 tablespoonfuls buttermilk

5 cups flour

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp vanilla

Combine butter and 2 cups sugar gradually beating well.

Add eggs 1 at a time beating well

Add buttermilk beating well

Combine flour and baking powder

Gradually add flour to creamed mixture

Stir in vanilla

Chill dough for several hours

Roll dough to 1/4 inch on lightly floured surface.

Cut with cookie cutters

Place 1 inch apart on lightly greased cookie sheet

Sprinkle with sugar

Baker at 400 degrees for 7 to 8 minutes and remove to cool

Makes 4 dozen cookies

Memento mori

On July 31st, I died....

After having several weeks of discomfort in my neck and jawline, I made an appointment to see my PCP to determine what was going on. The consensus seemed to center around a gall bladder problem. But he suggested that we should rule out cardiac. Once I got over to the hospital, I had a wait of 20 minutes or more before I was sent up to my room. Immediately I was taken for a chest x-ray. Once I got back I saw my nurse and the lab tech were there and I lay down to let her get the blood. As I leaned back, I felt a wave of nausea and everything went quiet and dark. 

I became aware again after a short period of time, I'm unsure how long. and from there it was a lengthy process to be transported to Grandview where I received a heart catherization and ultimately, bypass grafts. It was literally like hitting the off switch on your computer.

WE ARE LIVING IN A HALLUCINATION

In 1980, researchers at Dartmouth University conducted a study that was supposed to shake our understanding of perception and reality.

Participants were told they would be taking part in a psychological experiment that examines how people react to facial disorders. Everyone had a deceptively real scar put on their cheek with theater make-up. Participants looked in the mirror and were reminded of their purpose: to interact with strangers and then report how they were treated.

Then came the clue to the trial order.

Shortly before they were sent out, the mask designers said they needed to make one final correction. In reality, they completely removed the scar. The participants continued to believe that they were created, and went out into the world with this conviction.

When they returned, they reported predictable things. People have been rude. Repulsive. Odd. Some said others looked away more often. Some felt sympathy.

But there was no distortion. The only thing that had changed was the faith of the participants.

They thought they looked damaged and their brain found exactly what it had expected. Not as a cognitive strategy. Especially as a neurobiological pattern that shapes perception itself.

This immediately makes me think of the many discussions about discrimination. How much of this is happening objectively, how much only subjectively because the media currently feeds and legitimizes supersensitivities? Nothing brings the ego more than a victim role from which you can also be a subtle offender and accuse others.

But the question is even further. What is reality actually? Study shows: The brain does not show us reality. It shows us what to expect. It takes memories, traumas, expectations, values, projections and paints a picture out of it. You don't see the world as it is. You see what your brain already practiced. This picture feels real because it is embodied. You feel it in your belly, the tension in your shoulders.

Everything we perceive "out there" is shaped by what has been "in here" for a long time.

This is why two people can walk on the same road and perceive completely different things. We could see this well from April 2020. Depending on which trigger was triggered (fear of epidemic or fear of losing freedom), people experienced very different realities.

The problem is not subjectivity. The problem is that most people believe they're objective. Who wonders: "Why can't people agree on simple facts anymore?" “That’s the answer. Because most people can't see the facts. They are watching the forecast.

Scale this up now. A planet full of nervous systems projecting their fears and ideals onto the world, each convinced, to see clearly, each emotionally secure, that their version of events is "reality".

Education does not make us immune to it. On the contrary. Academic education or crystalline intelligence makes the deception more eloquent. Confident. But it's projection.

The people in the study were not lying. They didn't invent their experience. Her pain was real. And that's the frightening part. You can suffer deeply for something that doesn't exist at all.

Ain't nothing to take that pain away. It's all about taking responsibility for your perception.

Not feeling better or thinking positive. But learn to stop the hallucination.

What scar do you still see that is long gone? And what would change in your life if you stopped believing in her?

Source:

Kleck, R. E. & Strenta, A. (1980). Perceptions of the Impact of Negatively Valued Physical Characteristics on Social Interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 39(5), 861–873.

Effigy of Grief

 Effigies are used in grieving by providing a tangible representation of what has been lost, allowing a mourner to connect with who or what they've lost, which can help with the process of acceptance and emotional expression, particularly when the loss is sudden or traumatic; they can be used to focus grief and memories around a physical likeness, offering a sense of continued presence even in their absence